from the July 26, 2000 edition
Life as a parent in cohousing
Neshama Abraham Paiss
- As a business executive who had spent very little time with children before having two of my own, I was not prepared for the ongoing demands and selfless role of parenting. While I longed to spend more time with my children than my parents did with me, I had no model for my ideals.
The solution came in an unexpected way. I married Zev Paiss, a man who is committed to the creation of cohousing communities around the country, As executive director of The Cohousing Network, he helps groups build these resident-developed and managed neighborhoods.
When we married, I agreed to try cohousing for two years - with the understanding that we would move to a "regular" home if things didn't work out. That was nearly three years ago, and I have come to appreciate the benefits of living in a cohousing neighborhood, to recognize the challenges, and I’m planning to continue our "experiment" for 10 more years. Here’s why.
Our community, Nomad Cohousing, is located on a one-acre site about two miles from downtown Boulder, Colo.
There are 11 households here, including 18 adults and seven children. Our girls, Zipporah, 1, and Halonah, 2, are the youngest kids in our community.
As is typical in cohousing, our kitchen window faces a central courtyard where parents can easily watch their kids playing. The families all contributed to buying a playground set, and we have also jointly purchased other children's items for our neighborhood.
The courtyard has become a focal point for the children. Usually if one child is outside playing, others soon follow. I've appreciated the spontaneity of the kids play, and the children's growing closeness. The courtyard is also a place where other adult residents spend time with the children allowing natural opportunities for mentoring to take place.
Being able to walk outside and have people to hang out with has been great for me, especially when I've needed adult conversation for a change. And, there have been several times when I've needed a break or a few minutes to get something done, and it’s been easy to ask another resident to watch one of our children.
Like most cohousing neighborhoods, we have a Common House, similar to a clubhouse in a condominium complex, where we share optional community meals twice a week. There, I host a weekly Mom's Support Group, a children's play group, and music classes for young kids. I appreciate the convenience of not having to drive the children to activities that we hold right in our neighborhood.
Halonah, my two-year old loves community meals. It's also been a welcome relief when a neighbor sees that my husband or I need a break and volunteers to hold one of our babies while we eat in the Common House.
On the downside, mealtime has sometimes been tough. I have had to contend with our social daughter not eating much and wanting to play with the other children before they were done eating. My solution has been to have her eat with us rather than at the children’s table.
However, what has posed the greatest challenge for me as a parent has been needing to agree with others who have different parenting styles.
Since we operate by consensus, everyone needs to be comfortable with community decisions. This has been difficult when, for example, some people wanted to let the children jump off the furniture in the Common House and I had safety concerns.
Ultimately, the parents have come to an agreement and working through our conflicts has made us closer.
In addition, through ongoing conversations, I've learned useful ideas from the more experienced parents, such as information about local schools and activities for kids.
Knowing your neighbors, which is a hallmark of cohousing, is both the best and most challenging aspect of living in an intentional neighborhood.
Overall, my life has been enriched by cohousing, though it hasn't always been easy. My husband says cohousing is "the most expensive personal growth workshop you’ll ever take." He’s right.
I have received friendship and support from other adults when I needed it. And I have seen how well socialized our children are, which I attribute partly to living in a cohousing community.
I look forward to the next 10 years, watching how close the adults and children become, as we continue to shape each other’s lives.
Parents: To submit a first-person essay on your own parenting solutions, send an e-mail to home@csps.com, or write to Parenting, The Christian Science Monitor, One Norway Street, Boston, MA 02115.
(c) Copyright 2000. The Christian Science Publishing Society